The Fan Returns
by USAFChief
Summary: A story for ME Wofford.


This crack! fic is based on another crack! fic titled _Fear the Fan_ by ME Wofford and is dedicated to her with a great deal of respect. My thanks to elflordsmistress for the beta work she did. Each recommendation was an improvement. Spoilers for Season Seven.

The Fan Returns

CRAAACK!

"Hey, DiNozzo! Wake up! I've got something to say to you!"

Tony's eyes tried to open. He was lying on his bed in a very awkward position, flat of his back with his arms stretched above his head to the point his shoulders were hurting. He tried to move his arms but couldn't. That got his attention just a little bit but he was still groggy. Suddenly he felt a stinging sensation across his thighs.

"That was just for good measure, DiNozzo, a little wake up call. Now look at me!"

He looked over toward the door where the female voice was coming from. His mind had a hard time understanding what his eyes were seeing. A tall, statuesque woman wearing a scarlet corset fitted tightly to her body, breasts pushed up to the point that they were spilling out over the silk cups. She was wearing black stockings connected to the corset by the garter straps, with high heeled cowboy boots of the same color as the corset. Her mouth was a slash of the same scarlet as her outfit. But her hair was a short-cut cap of white. It was her eyes that held his attention – not the color, but the lightning bolts of anger that were shooting at him. Plus she held a scarlet, leather bull whip in her right hand. He guessed that was what caused the stinging of his thighs and the cracking sound that awoke him.

"Who are you? What are you doing here?" A slight pause and then he said, "I remember you. You're that crazy woman who slapped Gibbs silly and called me pathetic."

She grinned and said, "Right the first time, DiNozzo. Good memory. Too bad you didn't take my full meaning to heart."

"Whaddaya mean?"

"Well it's true you saved Ziva even if you didn't mean to, but you've been treating her like crap ever since she got back. It's enough to drive any TIVA fan nuts and I'm here to lay down the law!"

"I've only been treating her like a probie," DiNozzo whined. "It's not like it was, we're not close any more."

"You had the chance last week to kiss her awake, and what did you do? You were going to draw a mustache on that pretty little face. Shame on you! And then you started talking about Rush Limbaugh and acting like a damned xenophobe, you idiot!"

The woman stalked toward the bed. DiNozzo turned his head away not wanting to look into those piercing eyes. She stopped close beside his bed. He looked back at her just as she squatted to look at him at eye level.

"Ouch!" She jumped back to her feet again mumbling, "I always forget about those damned spurs."

She moved away from him rubbing her backside (obviously wearing only a scarlet thong to protect her modesty.) There seemed to be a small blood smear where the sharp rowel of a spur had punctured her left buttock.

She swung back around to look at him and said in a loud voice, "We want TIVA! Act like a man, DiNozzo. Hug her, kiss her, tell her how you feel about her."

"I don't know what I feel…"

"Don't give me that shit! We know you love her, it's time to admit it to yourself and to her. This is your last warning. Next time I'm bringing help and we're not leaving until we have what we want. You and Ziva in bed, with us watching and cheering you on!"

DiNozzo shuddered at the thought of the audience she might bring with her.

"I'm leaving now. I'll call McGee to come release you. You and he can try and figure out how I got in the apartment and got the cuffs on you – just suffice to say you can find anything on the internet including lock picking tools." She smiled coquettishly. "Bye now. Don't make me come back."

DiNozzo heard the door click shut as he struggled in vain against the cuffs wondering to himself, "Would having an audience be all that bad? Oh, yeah, if this fan is any indication – it would be ALL bad."

A/N: ME, I am awaiting my punishment. Please be gentle.


End file.
